Happy Birthday to Hillary Clinton: The Hard Drive Destroyer


Dear Bill,

I’m sure you’ve been busier than busy on the campaign trail, helping to solidify support for Hillary. With so much to do and so little time, you probably haven’t even been thinking about the fact that Hillary’s birthday is on October 26th.

This open letter is a heads up to let you know that, even though you may be short on time right now, you can’t fall back on your old standby of a new pantsuit and saxophone serenade this year.


This year, your birthday gift really counts. By giving Hillary Clinton the perfect gift, one that shows just how much you love, understand and accept her, you’re essentially reassuring her of your support all throughout her upcoming presidency.

So, what gift could Wow! your sweetie to the point that she feels confident she can really lean into the presidency, knowing you’re by her side for her to lean on? Three words, my friend:

Hard Drive Destroyer

In hindsight, that whole private email server thing might not have been the best of ideas. Yes, doing things by the book with antiquated government servers and a separate secure phone would have been slower and more cumbersome, but it also would have been, well, more legal…

Let’s face it, Bill. Your wifey loves speed and efficiency. When she’s president, she may still fall prey to the temptation to bypass the traditional route in favor of modern load times.


Giving your wife a shiny new hard drive destroyer says that you accept this side of her fully. It also says that you’ll be there to cover her tracks in the event that her questionable activities are discovered.



SEM Model 0304 HDD and SSD Shredder


The SEM Model 0304 handles both hard disk drives (with spinning disks) and more modern solid state drives, and it’s also great for making those pesky Blackberrys disappear whenever needed. With this one machine, you can get rid of pretty much anything quickly.

This means future private server snafus/scandals can be preempted with ease. If someone is about to report ClintonMail 2.0: Oval Office Edition to the powers that be, just chuck the evidence into this machine. Simple!


SEM Model 0100


This manual hard drive crusher is an excellent backup to the SEM Model 0304 in the event of a mole in the White House. Operation is 100% manual, needing no power, and it’s quiet too. You can use it on a tabletop or desk.

It may be a manual machine, but it’s still got the oomph, channeling 6 tons of crushing force through a sharp conical punch. In the cover of darkness at night, punch through those drives to render them inoperable. Disaster, averted.

SEM Model 0101 Deployment Set


Why stop at shredding hard drives at home? Being able to crush computer hard drives while traveling is the ultimate in peace of mind and utilitarian luxury both for the POTUS on the move. Pair the two home solutions above with the SEM Model 0101 Deployment Set for truly comprehensive hard drive destruction.

The road-ready case blends in nicely with other pieces of rolling luggage too. No one will suspect a thing.

Happy Birthday, Hillary Clinton!

So there you have it, Bill. By giving Hillary the three hard drive destruction solutions above, you’re demonstrating the fact that you’re both in this together. No servers, no hearings, no problem! This is the gift that keeps on giving for years to come. They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but a hard drive shredder is Hillary’s best friend.


Image credits:

Bill and Hillary Clinton at Madame Tussaud’s New York by InSapphoWeTrust (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Bill Clinton at Frying Pan Park in Herndon, VA by Kate Wellington (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Hillary Clinton by Gage Skidmore (CC BY-SA 2.0)


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